Finding Confidence Through Fear

It is often said that fear is at the root of much of our suffering. Not the type of fear we may have experienced as a kid, when someone would hide behind a door waiting for a sibling to walk past so that we could jump out and yell, "boooo". Not the white knuckled roller coaster ride, but something deeper.

I'm referring to that brand of fear such as facing something that is new, different, challenging and most likely uncertain and often out of our control.

On my recent trip to Mission Beach, I befriended a local health food store owner named Maria. From the moment we met, we connected and I would drop in to say "G'day" during the week prior to the yoga retreat.

One day, Maria said to me, "your retreat is going to be just beautiful". I looked at her as though she were capable of mind-reading and shared with her that during my meditation that morning, I felt intense fear. Fear of what other retreat leaders had offered and would I measure up? Fear that what I had planned wasn't going to be as exciting or unique or insightful of what others had offered in prior retreats. Fear that I would be inadequate to undertake running a full retreat program.

In the process of noticing that the thoughts I was experiencing were based in fear, I realized that it was ok to feel it. I also realized that I am not those "other" retreat leaders. I never will be them, I will never be able to offer what they offer and measuring myself against them was simply a choice. I relaxed into the revelation that the only thing that I can be is me and by doing so, bring my own flavor to the retreat through my personal unique experiences.

As I told Maria this she looked me in the eyes and said, "yes...you'll bring your own magic".

Expectations are difficult things to navigate. How often do we set a standard or scenario for how things "should" unfold and then find ourselves in a completely different experience? A great tool that yoga teaches us is to let go into the unfolding of each moment. Similar to when we're flowing through a familiar yoga asana sequence, we anticipate what pose is next. We jump ahead in our minds to what is coming and miss the present moment. Be here now...whether we're about to undertake running a yoga retreat or traveling through our daily activities.

The biggest lesson for me was to know that fear is present. I can't throw it into the back of the closet and close the door, thinking that'll do it! It's gone! But rather to honor and recognize its presence as part of my experience. As I felt my fear I had a feeling of confidence that my life, thus far had unfolded just as it was meant to unfold.

Trust your fear as deep within lies a potential lesson.