True Nature

 

I’m currently in a phase of life that involves a bunch of change. I’ve got multiple lists, we’re packing and sorting, and we’re donating and selling. It feels like we’re drowning in details – selling our home, what to save, what to get rid of, do we get a storage unit and, if yes, how big? And not to mention the daily conversation of what’s for dinner? As my husband and I ready ourselves to become world nomads, before we can launch, we have to release. In addition to the “stuff”, friends and family are wanting to connect and have been reaching out to us in a myriad of ways. To say the least, it’s a lot. So when I came across the following quote, I felt as though it were a gentle nudge from the Universe to remember the important stuff.

“Our true nature is like the infinite sky, unmarked by whatever drama temporarily appears in its vast space.” ~ Kittisaro, “Tangled in Thought”

As I read those words it was as though I was being reminded to pull away from the minutia of life and remember the bigger essence of who I am.

At times we get sucked into the vortex of our own dramas that happen from day-to-day. Just take a moment from a certain chapter of your life and see if you can recall the details of what felt overwhelming and challenging. If you’re like me, you recall the sense of what it was like but the story we may have recounted numerous times has lost its juice. It’s just not as important or as urgent as it seemed at the time. When we give ourselves time to put on the wide-angle lens of our life, we pull away from the micro drama and get glimpses of the bigger picture and hence the bigger meaning of our lives.

Coming to our mats is one way to remember our true nature which is said to be that of infinite spirit. When we become consumed by the many vignettes that play out each day, it’s easy to forget that the essence of who we truly are is right there, sitting within us. It’s as though daily dramas cover up what’s truly important and if they go on long enough, we may not even remember the deeper meaning of our lives. As Dudjom Rinpoche beautifully wrote:

“Although hundreds or thousands of explanations are given,

There is only one thing to be understood-

Know the one thing that liberates everything-

Awareness itself, your true nature.”

A story I recently heard recounted by meditation teacher, Tara Brach, told of a revered large Buddha statue in Southeast Asia that seemed to be made out of a white stone and plaster. It came to the attention of the local monks who looked after the statue that it was beginning to crack. As they investigated and shone a light into one of the cracks, they saw a reflection of what looked to be gold. They removed the outer plaster covering the Buddha and found the largest solid gold Buddha in all of Southeast Asia. The layers covering the golden Buddha were meant to protect it and, over the years, locals had forgotten the beauty and original form laying below.

For me, this metaphor is about getting stuck on the outside so we either don’t investigate what’s laying below or don’t even think there could be something that’s more radiant than what we can actually see.

When we come to the mat, we practice dropping away from the shell that feels protective and open ourselves to a greater potential of exploring all possibility. We remember that we are connected to something larger, to a field of expansive consciousness, without limitation or boundary.

As I navigate these changing times, I’m grateful to sitting in silence, stepping into the void to listen to the greater message that the details drown out. And perhaps, I can rip up a page of my to-do list, place a hand on my heart, and whisper to myself…”It will all be okay. It will all work out”.

Listen Up

I am often reminded of something within my practice that needs a boost of energy and it’s been good for me over the past couple of weeks to hone in on my listening skills. Since announcing my upcoming lifestyle change in becoming a world nomad, letting go of my yoga studio, and taking a sabbatical, I’ve felt the need to listen to people’s reactions and work on holding the space for whatever experiences may be arising for them. I kind of dropped a bombshell on my beloved yoga community and it’s been interesting to sit in a receptive mode and hear people’s reactions. It’s a big wave of information to process, not only for them, but for me as well...so much change in a significant way.

It’s also been a time of many different emotions which began with my own nervousness about making the big reveal public. The main emotions were that of disappointment and letting a committed community down. I didn’t know what kind of reaction would come back to me and I have to say it’s been overwhelming and filled with gratitude and love. It’s also filled with sadness, grief, and a sense of unknown change. Yet, once I did release the news, a certain relief and calm came over me and it’s been a beautiful experience to navigate these changes with those who’ve reached out.

And perhaps not coincidentally, around the same time, I came across another insightful podcast on the topic of listening on Life Examined with Jonathan Bastian. (You can listen to it by clicking here). There were three takeaways from the episode that we can do to position ourselves to be better at listening: 

1. Turn your phone off
2. Take a drink of water at least every 30 minutes
3. Take three deep breaths before beginning

As I was listening to the above tips, I recognized how much these skills are reflected in our yoga practice by applying mindfulness to listening. Part of being a good listener is to be fully present, remove distractions, and avoid interrupting. Although that sounds easy, it can be challenging in real-time, as we so often want to interject with support, solutions, or comparative stories. This is where I have to really watch myself as these habits are ingrained and shifting them truly takes a greater level of awareness. It’s challenging to not leap frog ahead to how I’m going to answer or interject and hence, presence plays a vital role.

This week, we’ve also been exploring not just how to hold listening space for others but to understand that another type of listening is listening to ourselves. I have always thought it an incomplete and inadequate statement when teachers say, “listen to your body”. Part of me wanted to know “how” and “what does that really mean?” I gained clarity during a presentation by a Canadian physiotherapist who works working with his patients with pain. He offered these three questions instead:

 

1.     Does this feel safe in my body?

2.     Will I be okay tomorrow?

3.     Am I dialing up pain?

As I began to employ this in classes and kept exploring it, I have added in “Am I triggering pain?” reasoning that if we’re paying attention, over time we learn that some movements may not hurt in the moment, but may trigger something afterward (an extension of “Will I be okay tomorrow”).

Personally, it’s overriding my ego in being able to do something in my practice, perhaps something I’ve always done, or used to do, and maybe it looked or felt cool but it’s a pose that now puts too much stress on my body and it’s not worth it. And instead of dialing up or triggering pain, I am now having the experience of empowerment. It feels great to know that I’m being kinder to myself and having less chronic pain as a result.

When we listen to ourselves, we can pose a simple question – What do I need in this moment? What do I need today? Instead of being told from an outside force, we can choose to practice in a way that is in alignment with what serves us and comes from a source of inner knowing and wisdom. Nothing outside of us has greater authority than what lies within us, and that equates with being empowered practitioners.

Times Like These

 

Last week I made a video announcement to our yoga community. I have decided to not renew my lease that ends on June 30, 2021 and I will be taking a sabbatical. In other words, it’s time for me to step away from what I’ve been doing and a business that I’ve built for more than 15 years. The reactions have been varied and not too unexpected. Some people were both surprised and stunned. Others took a few days to process what it means for them and many have expressed a deep sadness for something that has had an impact in their lives. More powerful than that is the tidal wave of good wishes and deep sentiments of gratitude. It made sense to me that the week’s theme was around “times like these”…often monstrous shifts that show up in our lives and can change the course of our lives.

I’ve had many of these shifts: giving up my gymnastics coaching career and bidding farewell to many gymnasts I had known for years; leaving my teaching role at the University of Melbourne where I taught 848 aerobics classes over a four-year period; leaving Australia and moving to The United States and bidding farewell to my sacred heart family; saying good-bye to my personal training clients and group fitness students when we moved from the Bay Area to the desert; leaving a dedicated group of strength trainees in a group class at a gym in Palm Springs when I shifted gears into primarily yoga teaching; and now…stepping into the world as a roaming nomad.

As Paul Harvey said, “In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.” And that’s one of the benefits of creating a regular practice that prepares us for times like these---of change, uncertainty, and letting go.

Life is a constant process of creating something and eventually releasing it. We can hope that what actions we take in our daily lives creates something that gives us meaning, purpose, and direction. As we do so, we grow, continue to get educated, and apply what we’ve learned, and when the lesson has been learned, we move onto what’s next. It’s the constant gripping and releasing with grace and willingness that adds richness to our lives.

Amidst the gratitude of this shift, I have also heard sadness and fear. People have invested their energy in stepping onto their mat and with many of them saying, what’s next for me? How will I navigate getting to my mat when you leave? Can you point me in some direction, make suggestions, and give me some guidance? Yes, I can do that but before I do, I want to honor your path and the time you’ve dedicated to it. I want to remind you that all of the answers you seek are within you, not with someone outside of you. The guru is within. You are your own guru.

We all come to this practice needing someone to show us the way and I have been the humble recipient of the teachings of many teachers who have done that for me. Yet, it is completely up to us to receive and embody what we are being taught. I’m the one who needs to commit to getting on my mat as nobody can do that for me. And when we repeat that day in and day out, it becomes part of who we are, embedding in our cells and nervous system and, in other words, embodying what we’ve received. At that point, we can activate what’s within and shine it outward, sharing what has supported us along the way. It very well may not take the form of being a teacher. It may show up in the simplicity of you caring for yourself and, in doing so, you care for others. Coming to our mat makes us easier to be around.

Around 2012, I had a psychic reading done as I was looking for clarification. What the psychic said to me was that I “needed to share everything that I know. That not sharing was adharmic. I needed to share in any way shape or form…writing, teaching, speaking, singing, or whatever vehicle it takes to get the teachings out.” I nodded my head as it felt like an affirmation of something I already knew and, over the past few years, I have done just that. I know that I am simply a channel, tunnel, or funnel for sharing and am deeply grateful to have been able to share what I know to such a generous, curious, and receptive audience.

As the Foo Fighters say:

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

And it’s times like these to once again release the creation and explore the next chapter of unfolding.

Is It Working?

 

I have been paying visits to my yoga mat since 1993 and at first, it was just a casual, getting-to-know-you kind of relationship. We weren’t fully committed to one another until around 2003 when things started to get more serious. We were becoming entwined, missing each other if we missed a day together and, in July of 2006, I decided to have a go at making a complete and dedicated personal vow to being on my mat or meditation cushion every single day. Almost 15-years later, we’re still going strong. So how do I know that my time on my mat is making a difference in my life? How do I know that the countless hours and repetitions of OM have been working?

I was inspired to this theme by listening to Hala Khouri, one of the three founders of Off the Mat, Into the World. She was promoting her course on social activism and the following words resonated deeply with how I view this practice of yoga. To paraphrase, she said something to the effect of “I know my yoga practice is working not because my poses are getting better, but because my relationships are getting better.” Yes! I thought! And to me, one of the signs of this is that our relationship to ourselves is what gets better first. Each time we come to the mat we begin a conversation with ourselves, whether or not we realize it’s happening.

We often begin this practice from the physical aspect and the moment we start to move, our inner voice might say, “Wow…I’m tight here” or “There’s no way I’m able to do that pose” or “I’m getting so good at yoga”. The inner voice begins the running commentary as we sense our way through the practice. On another level, we might be having a conversation with our mental self, judging how we’re doing or being bombarded by a conversation we had prior to getting on our mat. Perhaps our emotions show up in the unexpected moment when a pose triggers us to tears, releasing and revealing some hidden truth that we’ve been storing in our tissues. And, over time, I think we sense experiences beyond our seeing eyes and tap into the mystical side of who we are.

For me, it’s the subtle realizations that my practice has allowed me to recognize the signs of discontent in my life and understand them in a larger context. For example, feeling agitated and snappy is a sign of something deeper. I’m not agitated and snappy for no reason…something has caused it. My practice has allowed me to dig below the surface and get to why I’m sensing what I’m sensing.

Grief has been a terrific arena to look at my emotional journey and respond in a way that’s aligned with how I wish to function in the world. With the death of my Mother over two months ago, I was sorting through what I hoped to be the final bastion of all she had collected. This has taken at least four other previous iterations over the past four years as she moved out of her house of 54 years into assisted living. With each move, more stuff was let go of and with Ma being an organized pack rat, to say there was a lot of stuff is an understatement. As I sorted through some photos, I came across one that triggered me back into the trauma of my Dad’s death 39-years ago. What followed was three days of being irritable and unable to articulate why I was feeling that way. Then, in a moment of clarity, as I was on an early morning walk, moving and breathing rhythmically, I was struck by the realization that I had been re-traumatized by one photo in particular. In that moment, it was as though I released a massive and emotional exhale. It was such a relief to recognize the source of my discontent and in doing so, I was able to move the stagnant energy that surrounded it.

I know it was those many hours of sitting in meditation and allowing myself to feel the experience of life through my body that unveiled this revelation. I also know that if I didn’t have the consistency of my practice under my belt, who knows how long I would have stayed in the state of agitation. By recognizing yet another layer of grief, even 39-years later, I have been able to move the energy and heal a little bit more.

How has the effort in your yoga practice showed up in your life? Feeling off? Look at what’s been happening on all levels of your being. The gift of my daily practice is not that my life is hard, but when hard days show themselves to me, my practice is my rock, allowing me to hold steady.

I know this also to be true…it’s about finding spaciousness and grace. When I can sit with all that is happening, in a space of non-judgment and compassion, not only am I kinder to myself, but I’m kinder in general. My relationships have gotten better, especially the one to myself.