Finding Confidence Through Fear

It is often said that fear is at the root of much of our suffering. Not the type of fear we may have experienced as a kid, when someone would hide behind a door waiting for a sibling to walk past so that we could jump out and yell, "boooo". Not the white knuckled roller coaster ride, but something deeper.

I'm referring to that brand of fear such as facing something that is new, different, challenging and most likely uncertain and often out of our control.

On my recent trip to Mission Beach, I befriended a local health food store owner named Maria. From the moment we met, we connected and I would drop in to say "G'day" during the week prior to the yoga retreat.

One day, Maria said to me, "your retreat is going to be just beautiful". I looked at her as though she were capable of mind-reading and shared with her that during my meditation that morning, I felt intense fear. Fear of what other retreat leaders had offered and would I measure up? Fear that what I had planned wasn't going to be as exciting or unique or insightful of what others had offered in prior retreats. Fear that I would be inadequate to undertake running a full retreat program.

In the process of noticing that the thoughts I was experiencing were based in fear, I realized that it was ok to feel it. I also realized that I am not those "other" retreat leaders. I never will be them, I will never be able to offer what they offer and measuring myself against them was simply a choice. I relaxed into the revelation that the only thing that I can be is me and by doing so, bring my own flavor to the retreat through my personal unique experiences.

As I told Maria this she looked me in the eyes and said, "yes...you'll bring your own magic".

Expectations are difficult things to navigate. How often do we set a standard or scenario for how things "should" unfold and then find ourselves in a completely different experience? A great tool that yoga teaches us is to let go into the unfolding of each moment. Similar to when we're flowing through a familiar yoga asana sequence, we anticipate what pose is next. We jump ahead in our minds to what is coming and miss the present moment. Be here now...whether we're about to undertake running a yoga retreat or traveling through our daily activities.

The biggest lesson for me was to know that fear is present. I can't throw it into the back of the closet and close the door, thinking that'll do it! It's gone! But rather to honor and recognize its presence as part of my experience. As I felt my fear I had a feeling of confidence that my life, thus far had unfolded just as it was meant to unfold.

Trust your fear as deep within lies a potential lesson.

The Experience of Extremes

One week I'm picking my way down a steep trail through a rainforest in Queensland as the birds chatter, calling back and forth to each other in a cacophony of their own language. The recent rain has left its trace on the leaves and vines that form the canopy above me. The humidity is higher than what I'm used to and I've got a comfortable sweat going by the time I cross the final bridge over the stream leading me closer to the beach.

The next week, I'm climbing up a sandy hill, navigating my way past prickly cholla cactus and towering Joshua trees as I hear off in the distance music riding through the dry desert air. I'm at Bhakti Fest, a yoga, kirtan and music festival in the high desert. At night, I see stars I don't usually see from my home in Palm Springs...the sky is brilliant and my mood is peaceful. It is during these four days at Bhakti Fest that I think about the experience of extremes.

Life presents us with shifts of momentum. One day we're in a rainforest, the next and arid desert, its complete opposite. One day we're down in the dumps because we have jury duty and the next, we're feeling joyous as they've dismissed us from sitting on a five day trial. We all have highs and lows. The pendulum of life swings from side to side from the day we arrive to the day we depart.

My thought for the week is, how do we find our center...the middle way in the midst of this ever shifting pendulum?

In my younger years, my experiences seemed to be more extreme. The highs were soaring and the lows were deep and seemingly dark. As I've traveled the path of my life the discrepancy between the extremes doesn't seem to be as wide as when I was younger. This is due to two things...life experience and my yoga practice.

The essence of yoga is "to unite"; "to bring into union"; "to find balance". We do so through using its many tools of breath, movement, awareness, on-going study, stillness and a surrendering to a source that is greater than us individually.

As we undergo its practices, we begin to get better at recognizing that everything is in transition, nothing is permanent. We begin to connect to that place within us that is deeper and all-knowing. It is always there, its presence never leaves us. It's that third piece of the body-mind triad...it's our spirit. Just as we recognize that our thoughts effect our physical selves, they also effect our inner soul. Having this growing awareness of the oneness between our body-mind-spirit, we begin to recognize that no matter what calm or chaotic situation is sitting before us, we know and can connect to our own middle path.

My question for this week is "what are you doing to stay connected to your center so no matter what situation arises, you don't lose sight of it?"

Being Home No Matter Where You're At

Almost 14 years ago, I returned to live in the United States having lived in Australia for 17 years and gaining Australian citizenship. Before meeting my now husband, Ed who was living in Melbourne, I had no intention of returning to the USA as I was a fully assimilated Aussie. I have had the repeated experience that life can be somewhat unexpected and this was no exception. We often have our compass pointed in one direction that seems to be completely under our control and then..."whammo", we get bumped off course with our bearings nowt pointing us toward an unfamiliar place.

Prior to leaving Australia, I had a vision of my feet being buried ankle deep in Australian sand. I had felt grounded and connected to the place and here I was, choosing to up-root and return to the place where I had spent my childhood. It seemed like an adventure, I was seeking to create change in my life, but if someone had handed me a ticket back to Australia in those first few weeks of being back in the land of the free...I might have just taken it.

Without fail, my heart feels a bit achy as I board my return flight back to the States, wondering when I will once again, place my feet on Aussie soil. Now this all sounds a bit sad and melancholy, but things have shifted for me over the years of going back and forth between the two countries. I no longer hold that dreadful feeling of loss and uncertainty. I now feel completely at home in and connected in both countries.

An expert in cultural diversity and a friend of mine says that I am now a "bi-cultural" person having a feeling of equilibrium in both countries. In saying that, I feel a contentment that I thought I might never hold. I recognize and have gratitude for the uniqueness of each place, for the different circles of friends that I'm connected to and the ever expanding network of professionals that grow from my business in both places. Now that all sounds neat and tidy...it's not. It's taken over 30 years for this evolution. In the past 15 years it's been supported by my own personal growth and commitment to my practice of yoga. It's a result of listening to my sometimes seemingly silent inner voice, asking me to listen, trust and act.

As I have been challenged through my life of "having a lot of energy", I have found it difficult to sit quiet and listen. But, as I say to my students, the elements of our yoga and meditation are just that...a practice. We step into that space on a regular basis with an intention of committing to deepening our own awareness and self-inquiry. I know that have at greater sense of ease as a bi-cultural citizen has been made easier through these practices. The reason is that I have more peace within myself. So no matter what soil my feet have landed upon, I find myself at home.

I hope we have the opportunity to sit and practice together soon!