Heavy Hearts

 

 

This past week seems to have held more heaviness than in typical week.  A dear friend's Grandma passed away.  She was getting close to 100 yet the passing was no less painful.  A 17-year old local high school senior passed away following a freak skateboarding accident.  Although I didn't know him personally, what his family and friends went through hit me hard.  I know many people who were connected to him and it seemed to reach far into the community-the senseless tragedy of a young person's life ending before what seemed to be his time.

I hear stories of illness and violence through my own clients.  It leaves me wondering how can I continue to be a container for such trauma?  One of the most profound lessons of my recent time in India was that of bearing witness to other people's suffering.  I know that had I not been firmly grounded in my own practices, then perhaps it would've been more than I could possibly bear.

We practice yoga in moments of relative ease so that they can kick into full gear when something incomprehensible rocks our world.  It teaches us to have the real, tactile human experience of strong emotion and then...to let it go-swaha.

This past week I classes I spoke about the Sanskrit word, swaha.  It means to "let go" or "release into the world".  It's connected to the idea of non-attachment, one of Patanjali's Yamas (Aparigraha).  The idea is that we cling onto things in our lives, such as possessions, relationships and beliefs, thinking they'll give us a sense of security.  When we realize that everything is in transition, we also realize that the sense of attachment is an illusion.  Everything changes.  We will all make our passing transition one day and holding onto the idea that this will never happen to us, creates suffering.

What is also created is the realization of how precious the "now" is.  Each moment we live in conscious presence, we open fully to the moment we are experiencing.  This moment...this breath...now.

The heavy-hearted experiences of these past couple of weeks reminds me to step completely into my experience.  My intention is to find gratitude for all that I have, for who I know and for the intimacy of that knowledge and those relationships.  Instead of holding onto the past or launching into the future, I am in all of my humanness, with its deep and often rocky emotions.

 

One of my dearest friends once said to me, "that experience of helplessness opens the heart".  My thought for the week is that this is true and many hearts have been broken wide open.  The solace is that we have community in which we hold each other and eventually, understand that all of us need to let go.

 

Swaha.

Busyness Till Death

 

Two days rest and I was back at it. It took almost two days of travel from Rishikesh, India back to Palm Springs, CA.  Long flights, long lay overs and airplane food were my way of life for two days straight. Oh, the glory of travel!

Thankfully, I had a few days of down time before making the trek back home. I didn't have much of an agenda...morning yoga, perhaps a talk on Vedanta philosophy, a trip into town to shop and explore the bustle of a small Indian city.  It felt good to have no firm plans, my appointment book or class schedule.

Then, just as though it never happened...I'm back at it.  Has anything changed?

Granted, I have returned to what is typically the busiest time of year known as "the season".  It's the time of the annual snow bird migration, with flocks of Canadians and people from the Pacific Northwest spending weeks and months in our warmer climes. And who can blame them with a steady stream of sunshine and an abundance of golf, tennis, events and galas to be had. I see an influx of yoga students in classes and I take many more enquiries than at other times of the year.

So after three weeks in India where the cultural experience is quite extreme to the desert, I step off the plane in Palm Springs and take my first deep breath of non-polluted, cool, crispy clean air. Ah! To be home in the peacefulness of the desert. I feel the same things as the snow birds; warmth, calm and relatively light traffic.

I've tried with great consciousness to avoid over-doing and over-committing now that I'm back in town. But it's truly a challenge. People who have small, local businesses such as myself also, share the mantra to "make hay whilst the sun is shining". As a result, I tend to get busier than my inner peaceful self would like but my outer entrepreneur feels satisfied.

My thought for the week is to stay mindful of being comfortably busy rather than crazily busy. I recently heard yoga teacher, Ragunath, talking about being SO busy, that we're "busy until death".  We fill up our time with many things that simply keep us occupied, that looking busy is a treasured norm in our culture. Our to-do lists are so long, that we're too busy to write at the top of the list "slow down and have some quiet time".  As a result, we're too busy to savor the sweetness of life and then...we're dead.

Before I left for India I was in that crazy busy category.  It seemed as though there was so much to do before I left that I got on the plane already exhausted. So it's no great surprise that my down time in Rishikesh seemed just a little too short.  My deeper self was saying an inner "FINALLY " as I had no agenda.  The trick is, can I stay connected to that voice asking for a bit of self-care and breathing room?

Busyness till death...ok...I hear you.  My intention is to simply be in the quiet moments.  (And I think I just heard my inner voice whisper, "thank you"!).

Re-Entry

 

 

The above photo was taken in Kolkata where our group on the Bare Witness Tour spent most of our time. It's odd to be riding along in a bus with cars, motorcycles, bicycle/human rickshaws and tuk-tuks weaving in and out of lanes, horns honking in a cacophony of noise. It seems useless to have actual lines on the roads as everyone ignores them...hence the billboard to encourage people to be more like the Beatles.
 

As we walked through streets and lanes, we needed to be mindful of where we stepped as to dodge cow dung and sinister looking puddles of the unknown. Smells bombard your senses with a weird mix of smoke from cooking fires, cow and other species dung, exhaust fumes, incense, frying oil and Indian spices.
 

The air is thick in both New Delhi and Kolkata, laden with pollution, smoke and some moisture. Many of us felt as though we were second hand smokers and some had respiratory infections and challenges.
 

Yet despite the dirt and pollution, I felt so comfortable, safe and welcomed by often curious locals. My heart would open every time I was greeted with a "Namaste' or Namaskar", accompanied by a slightly bowed head and either one or both hands over the heart. And although we had Indian food at virtually every meal, with many of my companions groaning at the sight and smell of more curry, I loved the rich flavors and comforting aromas. Not to mention the morning ritual of asking for masala chai, the milky spiced sweet black tea that welcomed us, not only each morning, but upon our group's arrival in many places.
 

Since returning a week ago, I get questions like "How was it? Did you have a great time? Was it wonderful?", to which I have been giving the standard answer of, "it was intense and amazing". It's so difficult to sum up the breadth of the experience in a short answer. My feelings and emotional ride is best expressed through my blog, and now that I'm back in the States I am officially in the "re-entry phase" of this whole adventure.
 

There is something about India that gets into my skin, my heart and my mind. I love the way they openly worship and move along with their day. And despite the many confronting situations of our tour, coming face to face with victims of sex trafficking, I saw hope, play and love.
 

My return to the States throws things into a slightly different perspective. I have to catch myself from rolling my eyes at our first world suffering, having seen such unthinkable situations. As Buddha stated, "we all suffer" and I remember this as I catch up with people in my own community and hear their stories. Re-entry can be a bit bumpy. I can't ignore what I've been through as I step back into my own routine. Everything seems a bit altered and I find myself flashing back to the many faces and moments that made up my experience in India.
 

And I realize, that everything isn't different...I am.

Connection

 

 

As I sit here in the international departure lounge of Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris, I have some time to reflect and come up with my thought of the week. The past three weeks in India have been intense. Just as India is full of extremes, so are the fluctuations of my mind.

During my time with the Off The Mat tribe on the Bare Witness Tour we often finished our days with processing. This gave us many opportunities to be held in a safe space, to express what was coming up for us as we saw the often unthinkable acts of violence against women and girls. And the thing is, we didn't see actual acts of dehumanization, but the after effects. We were largely face to face with rescued and at-risk young girls. We were given a unique opportunity to meet them, interact and simply try to connect from a place that was simple, profound and human.

Many in the group were often deeply distressed by what we experienced. Others often held a feeling of hopelessness. Were our efforts truly having a positive impact? My strongest emotion was sadness to see lost innocence and how families had given away or sold their own children. I often found myself thinking about my own childhood experiences, how I laughed, played and never gave a second thought to where my next meal came from or if I was safe. In the deepest way, I felt simply lucky to have been born into the right circumstances and not into the desperate and often depraved cycle of poverty.

In one of the final processing sessions we were asked to consider what our next commitment would be. And as often happens, my own clarity began to percolate up and into a space of articulation. This is the juice of this weeks thought.

I commit to creating space just for me by trying to not over-schedule or ask too much of myself, particularly my personal time. I am committed to staying connected to the collective that has been created via Off The Mat, Into The World. Something deep within has been craving a connection to such a powerful group, who have similar intentions to serve, aiming to make a difference in the world and who act upon those intentions.

This commitment to self is so that I can step fully into my own light and by doing so, am able to hold the space for others to do the same. By looking after my own self, the tendrils that connect me to all others are strengthened. We can do so much more together than I can do as an individual. This has been one of my strongest lessons.

And although doubts, anger and hopelessness were evident during this time, I know that I'd rather be putting my energy into serving others than to staying in my own, limited world of comfort. One of my favorite quotes by S. Marlin Edges is relevant:

"When I walk to the edge

of all the light I have

and take that step into the darkness of the unknown,

I believe two things will happen.

There will be something solid for me to stand on

or I will be taught to fly."

Ramana's Oasis

March 4, 2013

Ramana's Oasis 

One of the organizations we supported through this year's Seva Challenge was Ramana's Garden, located in Rishikesh.  We wanted to make a point of stopping in and seeing what we were supporting and had no idea what to expect.

We were greeted by two 16-year old residents who were at the home studying for their final English exam as the rest of the children were out on a picnic.  These girls happily gave us a tour of this amazing oasis...plentiful beds of vegetables and lettuces, four cows, a chicken shed (Sunday is egg day), a horse, three goats and 60 children make up the population of the home.

The girls told us they study, work in the cafe (a popular eatery in Rishikesh that uses its own produce), have a chess club and a playground.  You could sense the children are independent, confident and well loved.  I so enjoyed the self-sustaining creation of the place complete with solar hot water system and composting.  We then ate a delicious lunch and had my first raw salad in a few weeks.  The cafe was inviting and had different versions of the Hanuman Chaleesa playing in the background.

Ramana's Garden was founded some 15 years ago by an American woman who initially went to India for her own spiritual practice.  She couldn't ignore the poor, malnourished and at risk children that were so prevalent and hence, Ramana's Garden and Children's Home evolved into being.  To quote their web site:

"Ramana’s Garden takes children from these brutal circumstances and provides a healthy and loving environment in which they can heal and grow. We provide children with a home and the security of an extended family, in addition to the education and training they need to become independent and functioning adults. At Ramana’s we know that human relationships are fundamental to all learning. We encourage our children to be creative and independent, and to be responsible for themselves and each other. We strive to create an environment where children can find out what they love to do and learn to do it better!"

To learn more click http://sayyesnow.org/about/ramanas-garden-chilrens-home/

I have had so many moments on this trip where I have witnessed what seem to be pathetic and impoverished situations.  You search for hope and so often are overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness and "that's just the way things are".  And then, I have come across individuals who don't buy into that thought paradigm.  It's as though their compassion gathers enough will to override the odds of success.  They create, they cooperate, the take a risk and they often fail.  But along the way, they find a way.  Their persistence and commitment light my own fire to keep moving along my path of service.

Once again, I have seen that one person can make a difference.  More powerfully, if you gather that spark from that individual and light the fire of others, change happens.  Lives and opportunities expand.  I am committed to being  such a person.  Will you join me?

Processing and Relaxation

Processing and Relaxation

March 4, 2013

It's getting close to the end of my time in India, three more days before making the long trek back to the States.  I'm happy with my decision to travel to the beautiful city of Rishikesh, near the base of the Himalayas and perched along a much cleaner aspect of the Ganges River (referred to as the "Ganga").

Getting here was another long trek, infused with the somewhat typical Indian way of getting from point A to B.  We left our Kolkata hotel at 5:30 am for the airport and a flight to New Delhi.  One of our trip leaders, Kelly Campbell, was at her best when the airline we were flying on wanted to charge our group an extra $252 USD for excess luggage.  Her patience and determined way of negotiating brought the fee down to about $80 USD although we only had 10 minutes before boarding...she held firm.

I am one in a group of nine Seva Challengers who decided to come to Rishikesh and originally we had a flight from Delhi...but that got changed, so we took a private bus instead.  What we were told was to be a five hour ride, took eight hours.  To pass the time, I took countless photos as rural India bounced and jiggled by...pilgrims, cows, water buffalo, dogs and hogs along with the plethora of transportation methods you see all over India.  Cars, motorcycles, bicycles, tuk-tuks, buses, trucks, horse/ox drawn carts and bicycle rickshaws.  Add in another layer of smells and dust and one bathroom break (where my room mate accidentally dropped her iPhone into a squat toilet), it seemed to be quite the journey to get to this beautiful place.

Arriving exhausted, having to pee and somewhat cranky, we made our way to a hotel only to be greatly disappointed by the rooms.  They were quite old, needing renovation, dirty (I won't go into details) and smelling of mold.  We did however have a delicious meal and by the next morning, six of us decided to find another hotel.  As things sometimes tend to unfold, one of the group reached out to her husband, who pulled some strings from the States and found us an extraordinary place to stay...simply called "Ananda" which means BLISS.  And that it is.  We are perched on a hilltop overlooking the city of Rishikesh and are given white pajamas to wear around the grounds which are a palace/hotel on 100+ acres.

They have the desire to please here and offer a retreat like setting with daily yoga, spa services, fine dining, Vedanta lectures and much more.  So, now I am straddling two very different experiences...the rigors of India travel and the experience of the Bare Witness Tour to this piece of paradise in the Himalayas.  I love the busy energy of Rishikesh, it's connection to Mata Ganga (the mother), the sadhus and spiritual seekers that seem to leak out of every crack of the city, the abundance of "yoga inspired" shops and the juxtaposition  of old culture and the birthing of being in a modern experience.

To say that I am processing all of these elements is an understatement.  I have committed to letting my journey percolate, to give myself space to reach into the core of my experience and to continue to surrender.

Here I am...to let go, to be in the experience and let my heart crack wide open.