If you happened to read last week's blog, you might remember that it was around big changes which I called "seismic shifts". At the end of the week, we moved our Mom into an assisted living facility with a Memory Care unit as she has dementia. We knew the move would be a big deal and didn't know how she would respond. The good news is that the transition went as well as we could have hoped and Mom is beginning to find her way in her new digs. She is establishing a "new normal", which is the thought for this week.
What happens after something big occurs? My experience has been that when big shifts happen, there follows a time of settling. Just as earthquakes have aftershocks post major tremors, eventually, the faults settle into a new position, a new normal. Everything in Mom's world is finding its way. A new routine of when to eat with scheduled meal times. New food. New faces. New caregivers and the newness of having her daughter (that would be me) able to stop by frequently to see how she's doing. We haven't lived this close to each other in a very long time. I moved to Australia when I was a teenager, away from my family and where I grew up in Southern California. I returned 20 years ago to the Bay Area (seven hours away from Mom), then moved to the desert (three hours away) and now...less than 10-minutes from her. This new normal has been an intentional choice and being near her in the twilight of her life is great for both of us.
Finding a new normal requires a certain amount of surrender, and our theme this week is to connect into our own natural rhythms. As Shiva Rea states, "We are born into a universe of currents..." and allowing those currents to act upon our life circumstances rather than resisting the changing tides, supports us in connecting into the rhythm that is particular to each and every one of us. We want to flow between what we need to open up to and what we can let go of, without getting stuck in either place. This seeking of balance is part of being human. Our biology is constantly trying to find homeostasis and reacts to the cues that lie within. When we surrender, we find ourselves in a state of presence to see what truly is rather than what we wish it to be.
I had a profound experience of surrendering one day when I was on vacation on Maui. I went into the ocean and got absolutely pummelled by a huge wave and undertow. I'm quite a decent swimmer, yet in those few moments of being pulled under I had the fleeting thought, "oh...so this is how I die!" and then, I surrendered to the power of the wave. Some part of me instinctively knew that trying to swim my way out of the tumble would prove useless. So, I didn't resist and instead let myself pop up when the time was right. I staggered out of the water, my bathing suit askew with sand in every possible opening but with a sense of "hey, I didn't die!". It was the letting go to that unexpected and somewhat violent moment that let me feel the beauty of another breath.
I know that many of us have had the experience of clinging to our old normal, particularly when on vacation. We have a few days away in a stunning locale and the day before we leave, we finally relax. It's as though the clinging to our previous normal slows down our ability to find a way to let go into the new "holiday" routine. I find this happens when I travel just after I've had a busy working period trying to "get things done" before heading away. Part of my brain seems incapable of letting go the habit of checking email, ensuring schedules are adhered to, and looking to what's next on the to-do list.
So my intention as I step into this new normal, with my Mom as the other player in the scene, is to truly enjoy the moments of simply being in her company. The practice of presence and the letting go of expectations are things I'm working on to establish this new normal.
Welcome to the desert, Mama!
