One of my frequent sayings about our yoga practice is that whatever you’re needing to practice will jump right out in front of you. And so it has been for me, following the recent death of my Mother. I’m in the second week since the day she passed and for anyone who has ever lost a loved one, you have likely experienced the ever-shifting sands of the emotional ride of grief.
I took a
week off from teaching to give myself complete permission to only be
responsible to myself and my family. The great honor I have in being a teacher
comes with the sidebar that you hold space for your students. When they show up
in class, whether in person or online, my role is to put aside my own agenda
and open to their needs. I simply couldn’t do that last week and as I have come
back to teaching this week, having taught literally thousands of classes, I am
able to tap into something that I’ve been doing for years. And yet, it feels
different than it did. I know how grief works…it takes time, it shifts and
surprises you. It can have many different faces. One lesson I am grateful to
have learned is to allow for whatever I’m experiencing.
The theme
this week is to be with what is. It sounds so easy and yet, it is one of the
most difficult practices we can face. Human nature is to move away from things
that are hard or challenging and seek things that make us feel good. Who wants
to wallow in the mucky feelings of life? As Judith Hanson Lasater wrote for her
January 31 entry in her book “Living Your Yoga”:
Yoga is not about
avoiding difficulty.
Living Your Yoga: When
we try to avoid difficulty, we create difficulty. Today choose something you
find difficult and do it with love for five minutes.
Coming to
our mats, either for an asana practice or to sit in meditation, is the training
ground for confronting difficulty. Does your mind fly all over the place when
you try to sit in meditation? Are there certain yoga poses that when they’re
put into a class or sequence, you roll your eyes and take a break for some
water or to use the restroom? Does modifying your usual practice because of
injury pluck at the strings of your ego? On those days when the mat isn’t
calling, do you stay disciplined or turn to scrolling on social media? Life is
hard. It won’t always be pleasurable and if we think we can dodge that, we will
definitely be creating our own suffering.
When we try
to be with what is, it helps to place us more in the role of the witness.
Noticing our reactions, trying not to interfere or alter the experience and to
see if we can actually find a sense of ease in unsettling moments.
To quote
Byron Katie, “I am a lover of what is,
not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with
reality”. That pretty much nailed it for me…the recognition that I have
very little control over many aspects of life, particularly noticeable
throughout this pandemic. When I release into the present moment, when I allow
myself to fully feel into whatever is happening, I no longer deny my true
experience. I stop fantasizing about other dreamy possible scenarios. It’s a very
stoic approach to life, that of honoring what we have control over and what we
don’t. Being with what is, is the permission to be fully present in each and
every moment. Being with what is for me over the past several days is to also
not apologize for what I’m experiencing. I’ve been quiet, angry, sullen,
belly-laughing, and kind of “meh”. I’ve been able to feel the fullness of the
experience without pushing any one of those feelings aside or trying to
side-step the hard stuff.
It takes
courage to face difficulty. We can practice this in small chunks of time, stand
strongly in a warrior pose, and honor our process. If it gets overwhelming, we
can turn to another practice of offering ourselves self-compassion and
kindness.
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