Trying Not To Fall

Initially it felt like an adventure.  I had qualified to compete in the regional gymnastics championships being held in Hawaii.  I have always possessed a wicked case of wanderlust, so qualifying to travel to Hawaii in order to compete was an added bonus.  I trained 30 hours a week as a gymnast...five hours a day, six days a week. School, gym, homework...repeat. We arrived on Oahu to the warm ocean breezes and somewhat hot and humid weather.  It was 1977 and the one-piece jumpsuit warm-up was all the rage, as well as my Dorothy Hamill-esque haircut.  


I remember the experience beginning with great excitement at being on the islands.  Then it was onto the familiar routine of hotel, gym, sleep...repeat.  Being in an unfamiliar environment combined with a change in weather conditions I was unaccustomed to and the anticipated rigorous competition ahead of me made me feel quite nervous.  I competed well, but not quite well enough...  1/10 of a point not well enough.  I missed qualifying for the sectionals (half of the USA) by what would translate as a slightly bent knee or a toe that wasn't pointed quite straight enough.  I was crushed.  I cried and then cried some more.  My coach tried to petition me through but they held firmly to the rules, unwilling to bend even that 1/10 of a point.  I had this deep gut feeling of unworthiness.


My gymnastics training had worked on the philosophy of trying not to fall.  Many opportunities exist to fall in gymnastics where you can virtually fall on any event or apparatus.  I know...I've fallen on or off all of them.  Sometimes just a little wobbly off-center fall and others a skeleton rattling experience.  Trying not to fall is a big deal. During a particularly challenging portion of training, I was instructed to complete 10 consecutive beam routines without a fall.  If I fell, I had to go back to routine #1.  It took me a couple of hours to reach that goal, but I got good at not falling.  Until we headed to Hawaii and my mental state wasn't as well trained as my physical state.


Why do I share this gymnastics tale of woe as my thought of the week?  I do it because it's a beautiful metaphor for life.  When we're kids, we frequently topple.  We fall, we get back up. I had a long history of stubbed toes, scraped elbows and banged up knees.  It didn't define me, it was simply something I did.  We fall because we explore and we are curious.  We test our limits and we learn them along the way.  We haven't quite heard the warning, "be careful or you might fall" fully in our consciousness.  And we fall in non-physical ways...emotionally, through challenging experiences, failures, rejections and not hanging out with the "cool" kids.


As we physically grow and begin to know boundaries we often become less daring, more linear in movement or perhaps injured in a way that instills a different sense of fear than previously existed.  In working with countless adults through group exercise, personal training or in yoga, they are often completely shocked at their inability to even balance on one leg...shocked!  I then ask the question, "when was the last time you practiced balancing?" which is often replied with a bewildering lack of recall as to when that was.  It's been so long since we tested the waters of balance and instability that we develop a fear of falling.


When working with many senior and super senior clients, I have a saying, "we learn a lot when we fall...or nearly fall".  We learn to pay attention, to catch ourselves on uneven surfaces, to notice that moment of tipping before we tip too far.  And this fear is valid as great injuries leading to great illness can be a result of a fall. And yet, when we allow ourselves to go to that place where the risk rises, our senses sharpen and our heart rate rises.  We tap back into a primal sense of survival, of finding our own two feet.


One of the great gifts of gymnastics was to teach me how to land and how to fall more safely.  It got embedded into my motor memory sometime in all of those hours in the gym.  And as I age and continue turning myself upside down in my yoga practice, I test my balance frequently to stay sharp.  And finally to give myself permission that it's okay to fall...whether that fall be a physical tumble or an emotional stumble.  I have also let go of the fall determining whether or not I'm good enough...I am enough, fall or no fall.


I know that although I may be a bit banged up, that it will all be okay.  If you fall, get up and try again...there's no 1/10th of a point deduction for that!