Riding The Waves

 

 

This has been a challenging time.  They appear speckled throughout our lives and often we don't know when they're going to arise.  It's like we stand in the ocean that is life wondering what the next wave will be and how strong its undertow.

As many of you know, our beautiful, sweet and beloved dog, Koele, passed away a week ago.  He was two months shy of his 14th birthday, which alone is a blessing in that the average lifespan for Golden Retrievers is around 12 years.  I fell in love with him from the moment I saw his six week old adorable puppy self.  He had to learn his position in our small family pack as we had an older and quite vocal female retriever named Yindi.  Within three days despite Yindi's attempt to ignore both the pup and myself, we all bonded deeply.  This was only broken when she passed away almost two years ago.  Our small clan of human and canine traveled, hiked, swam and kept an eye on each other.  It was our "modern family" and now all that has shifted.

I feel gratitude for my practice in times when the waves seem bigger than me and that they'll knock me down and drag me under.  What my practice has taught me is to not push down my immense feelings of loss.  In the past when some trauma would touch my life I'd try to "keep it together and get on with things" which truly was an illusion as eventually it would make its way to the surface.

It was a blessing to help Koele transition.  Even in a most challenging and sad situation, I was able to rub his ears, place my forehead to his as I chanted an old mantra from the Upanishads, the mantra of transition: 

Om asatoma sadgamaya 

tamasoma jyotir gamaya 

mrtyorma amrtam gamaya

Click here for a translation

This doesn't mean it wasn't terribly difficult to do.  It was literally gut wrenching.  I was sobbing, but I kept going as it felt that it was my final act of unconditional love to a being that offered me unconditional love from the very beginning.  After he had passed, I connected to a primal sense of grief, howling with tears.  In those moments and many to follow, I made a conscious choice to feel all of it...fully, deeply and completely.  It would be a disservice to my own being to not let it all rise to the surface to be howled out, stumbling in my own grief.

It was as though I was standing in the surf being pounded by waves of loss.  At times they seemed to last forever, wave after wave.  But as I surrendered to the process, the waves still came but were further apart and less intense.  They are still coming, mostly in the quiet hours of the early morning or late in the evening when our pattern was around letting the dog out and either starting or ending our day.

Having felt the effects of deep grief years after my father passed, I learned a vital lesson.  Feel it rather than try to hide from it.  Yes, it's hard and sad but it also reminds me of two things:  One, life is short and precious...live it and two, my grief is a reflection of my love.  My grief is only as deep as the love I felt and I can luckily say that this grief is infinite.

Rest in peace my dear sweet boy.  Forever in my cavernous heart.

Does This Feel Good?

It came to me in a flash of inspiration as I was teaching a class to my chair yogis this past week. We were doing shoulder rolls and I could tell by the look on peoples faces that it felt really good. I asked the class, "Does this feel good?". They replied in unison, "Yes!". Then I asked, "Do you want to feel good everyday?" to which they replied, "Yes!". To which I replied, "Then do it every day!"

It sounded so simple. Want to feel good? Then do something everyday that makes you feel good. Now, you might be thinking (as I did) why don't I? What gets in my way from doing something that actually nourishes me on all levels of my being?

I have moments when I consider doing something and have a flash that although it might seem good, is it actually doing me good? For example, when I look at a glazed doughnut I think, "yum...that looks delicious. I'd love to take a bite out of that!". But, something stops me from doing so and I believe it to be experience. In the past, eating a deliciously sweet, yeasty glazed doughnut would give me this feeling of contentment...fleetingly. Then the result of it was a headache from the sugar and a bellyache from the gluten. What seemed like a good idea actually didn't serve me in the long run. So what I thought would satisfy my sweet tooth, aggravated the other systems in my body.

Another example is saying "yes" to something which swings us out of balance by over-committing. We might think we're being supportive of someone or something else, but too often I witness this as going to our own well once too often. We tap into our reserves and over time the proverbial well runs dry. We are no longer able to offer a helping hand to others because we haven't re-stocked our own energy stores to be able to do so. I have seen this so often reflected in people making themselves sick by simply saying "yes" to others and not to themselves.

So how can we get on the path of doing something that makes us feel good everyday? First, let's identify what it is that floats your physical, emotional and spiritual boat. When people move and stretch their bodies - it feels good. When people nourish their bodies with whole foods and oxygenate their cells through breathing- it feels good. When people drop all that they're doing and quiet their minds and close their eyes - it feels good.

When we over-caffeinate, consume too much sugar or processed food, don't get enough sleep, over-commit, move too little or stay connected to our technology all day long - it doesn't feel good.

This is an opportunity to identify what makes you go "ahhhh". It often doesn't take more than a few seconds to roll your shoulders or take a deep breath.

In fact, you could try it right now...let me know how it feels. Feel good? Want to feel good every day....?

Feet To The Fire

I know that change is truly hard.  To actually realize that something exists in your world that you would like to alter is a huge step towards greater awareness.  Often, we float through the years making the same choices until one day we recognize that these familiar choices are no longer serving us.  Something needs to shift.

Sometimes it's a relatively small step, like setting your alarm clock to get up 15 minutes earlier so you don't feel so harried in the morning.  You give yourself that bit of wiggle room to actually enjoy your hot cup of tea, check your inbox, take a few breaths and glide into your day.  At other times it's a much larger commitment.

Over the last few months, I have seen people ready to make a commitment to something new in undertaking my yoga teacher training course.  It takes a certain leap of faith to launch yourself into deeper study, particularly if you haven't studied yoga with me  previously.  You trust that your gut urging you forward is the right thing to do.  And then, as you begin the course you start to feel many moments of discomfort.  You're being asked to step in front of people and "instruct" for perhaps the first time in your life.  You're asked to try new things and think about how you maybe have done a yoga pose before in a completely new way.

Often when we feel uncomfortable the negative self-talk begins to arise.  We question, "What was I thinking? and Why did I want to pay good money and spend my weekends doing this?".  You begin to wiggle in your own skin and maybe even feel a knot beginning to take shape in your stomach.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who had asked me to mentor her, particularly in the area of functional anatomy.  We began this journey a  number of months ago and as the yoga teacher training was taking form, she wanted to participate in some of the modules specific to her needs.  As the time got closer, her doubt grew.  She began second guessing that she could do it..."I don't know if I can afford it.  It's a long, intense weekend and I have to work first thing Monday morning.  I don't know if it's where I want to be heading in this moment."  The doubts and objections grew as the time to commit grew closer.

As I listened to her I heard fear in her voice.  The feeling that the unknown was lurking and so one response was to withdraw and run away.  My response to her objections was this:  "Many months ago this is what you asked for, that's why I'm holding your feet to the fire.  You built the fire and I'm just a reflection of what you said you wanted."

I could almost hear her gasp at the other end of the phone.  "Oh my!  You're right", she said.  This was followed by a pregnant pause before we agreed that sleeping on it was probably a good idea.  A few days later, my friend called enthusiastically saying she was ready to undertake the training.  She realized that this was what she had asked for and doubt had crept up and gotten in the way, nearly sabotaging her willingness to move into something that was new and unfamiliar.

Being uncomfortable is a natural side effect of change.   When we feel uncomfortable, we can recognize it as an opportunity to do something different, to challenge ourselves to simply be okay as we're experiencing the discomfort.  What often happens is that the unfamiliar and uncomfortable feelings begin to lose their power over us and becomes part of the familiar.

That's called evolution.  So as we venture into the unknown, remember that when you feel like squirming, it's likely a reflection of your own growth.  Reach out and into the new expanse and enjoy! 

Sneaky Germs

These past two weeks I've experienced something that I haven't for quite some time.  A cold.  Yep, started off mimicking laryngitis, then headed north into my sinuses.  I've been told by various people who have heard me sniffling and snorting that "it's been going around.  So and so has it as well and they sound just like you!". 

I've felt quite fortunate over the past few years to dodge the germ bullet of things that "are going around".  Others around me seem to suffer, but I just hunker down, take my Immpower (an immune booster made from Japanese mushrooms) and power on.  Not this time.  It doesn't surprise me as I know that we have these greebly germs lurking in our moist membranes just waiting for an opportune time to jump out and take over.

When our immune system is strong, when we're getting enough rest and nourishing ourselves, we can often armor ourselves against the germ invasion.  If we stay diligent in hand washing and keeping a perimeter around those who are suffering, we increase the odds of dodging the knock down.

So over the past month many things aligned in Jayne's world to create the perfect storm where the germs were going to win out over my immune system.  First, our nearly 14-year old dog Koele has had some challenges that result in him waking us up 2-3 times each night.  Second, I had been negotiating a new job and as a result, needed to let go of my personal training client relationships. Some of these have been in excess of nine years, so the decision was a difficult one.  Third, I went to a Jason Mraz concert on a "school night", not getting home until after midnight (which is WAY late for this gal) and having to get up early the next morning.  Again...sleep deprivation.

Fourth, I spent four wondrous days in the high desert experiencing Bhakti Fest.  Again...lots of singing (sore throat) and very little sleeping.  And finally, I not only started my new job on a Monday (when the cold started to truly reveal itself), but worked a full week followed by a full weekend of my new yoga teacher training course.  By the end of it all, I was still blowing my nose until it hurt, clearing my throat and feeling a bit run down.

Well no wonder!  Little sleep, big decisions, long days,  interrupted routine and new beginnings were enough to open the door wide open for the germs to stampede and have a two week long play-date in my throat and sinuses.  I'm nearly over it now and like a dog with my tail between my legs have had to admit part of it was my own doing.

I am once again reminded of one important factor that needs to remain consistent in my life.  Look after yourself.  It's not a matter of age as the same cycle would happen when I was in college.  Push, push, push...get to vacation and get sick, sick, sick.  That was my first chapter in learning to take care of what keeps me on a healthy and even keel.  Rock out of balance and the chances to get sick increase.  It's as though being sick with a cold is my body's way of holding up the big STOP sign.

So this weekend the plans are to look after myself: less work, more rest and socializing with friends. OK body, I hear you and promise to take it easy.  Let's begin with a smile and feeling of gratitude for the reminder.  And I promise to go to bed early!

It's Only For The Moment

 

 

Video Of Yoga Across America

 

Last weekend I was part of Yoga Across America, an organization raising money to bring yoga access to those who might otherwise not have it.  Schools, prisons and military veterans are some of the beneficiaries of this program.

 

Being part of something bigger than me is something I've been strongly drawn to over the past couple of years.  At some point my yoga practice was teaching me to look beyond my own fingertips.  When I first stepped onto the mat, I did so out of pure curiosity.  I wanted to know what the buzz was about and why this particular yoga course being offered at Melbourne University was so popular that it had a wait list.  And honestly, yoga was a bit odd to begin with.  It seemed as though every pose was called "blah, blah, blah, asana".  It also uncovered my extremely tight hips and gave me new insight into my posture.  Who knew?

 

It wasn't until I was into my first 200 hour yoga teacher training that I got completely hooked.  It was at that point that we started looking at the philosophical aspects of yoga.  For me, that's what blew the lid off of yoga's Pandora box.  It began to open my mind to the mysteries I had been contemplating throughout my life but had no structure.  Yoga made sense.  It challenged my personal status quo and my hunger to learn more became nearly insatiable.

 

I kept delving deeper and deeper through practice and study.  And then the next magical chapter unfolded...Seva.  Seva means selfless service and is a piece of the yummy yoga pie.  When I stepped off my mat and into the Global Seva Challenge supported by the non-profit, Off The Mat, Into The World, I once again realized how deep yoga could take me.  With bi-monthly conference calls, suggested readings and embarking on the journey to raise $20,000, I once again was tested in what I thought I could do.  My mission was to raise money and awareness around the issue of sex trafficking in India.  The golden prize was a service trip to India in hitting the $20K mark.

 

My life was focused on the issue and the goal.  And the best part about it was that is wasn't about me.  It was about being part of a collective voice to bring change to those who had no voice.  Upon reaching the goal and traveling to India, I came face to face with what we had all been working toward.  I saw into the deepest brown eyes of girls who'd been rescued from the trade and those eyes had something new-a ray of hope.  Hope.

 

This feeling was once again ignited when I took part in a single event with Yoga Across America.  And to follow up the event, the above video came to my awareness and I saw something familiar in the deep brown eyes of 61-year old Dwight Armstrong, the man featured in the story.  And that was how, once again, the practice of yoga had changed someone else's life.  It opened up the doorway to a place called hope.

 

To quote Dwight, "It may get difficult and your legs go to shake, and your arms...but that's alright.  You hold your warrior, because it's only for the moment".

 

Om Shanti (peace) to that Dwight, om shanti!

The Lessons Before Us

 

 

Last weekend as I attended Bhakti Fest in Joshua Tree, CA I was once again reminded that my own personal practice can be found anywhere I look.  Whatever it is that pushes my buttons is what seems to show up to do just that...push some buttons and test how I'm doing.

  

I didn't recognize them as lessons at first.  During the musical set by Donna DeLory, I made my way right to the front of the dancing area with a friend of mine and began to sway and sing along to the music.  Half way through her set, I noticed a guy just behind me.  I smelled him before I heard him.  He had that smell of camping at a yoga festival, not offensive, but definitely recognizable.  It didn't knock me out of my reverie until he started talking louder than I liked in what seemed to be directly into my ear.  At that point it became annoying.  Although I hadn't yet realized that I was being presented a lesson, I still managed to take a deep breath, turn back to the stage and continue dancing and singing. 

  

If you've never been to Bhakti Fest it goes something like this.  You bring a blanket and/or low chair, place it somewhere in front of the main stage and when you're watching an act you occupy that space.  When you head away, it is suggested that people are welcome to sit in your seats.  When you return, you reclaim your chair.  Easy. 

 

So, I headed away to a class and returned to my spot to see a guy sitting in one of my chairs.  No big deal I'm thinking as I can maybe meet someone new.  I sit down directly next to him and he makes no attempt to connect with me.  No eye contact.  No nod of the head.  Nothing.  Just staring straight ahead.  I lean over and say, "Hi!  Comfortable?" which he ignores.  I am now confronted with lesson number two.

  

Initially, I begin a soft boil, gently thinking to myself, "how rude, how un-yoga like etc.,".  Then I catch myself and start sending him the vibe of love and light, love and light, love and light.  In that moment, he may not have changed, but I did.  I softened.  I began to let go of my need for things to be a particular way.  Well maybe just a little bit.

  

The third lesson also happened in front of the main stage where a group of my girlfriends and I were up and dancing to some artist.  We were in our space, enjoying the rhythmic harmony of hanging out with friends.  Then this older gentleman maneuvers his way right next to me.  He's dancing his heart out and in the process is working up quite the sweat as he enthusiastically swings his elbows about, as though he's making his way through a crowded bus aisle.  Not only am I getting sweat bumped onto my arms, but I'm now concerned that I'm going to get elbowed in the gut.  The annoyance begins to arise once again.  Things aren't going as I want them to be going.  I get pulled out of my connection to the music and vibe and into the chatter of my own agitation.

  

All of these interactions began to raise the light of my awareness that what needed to change was not the behavior of other people, people whom I have no control over, but to alter my reaction to the situation.  That is the one thing that I can control, how I react in certain situations, even when my buttons are getting pushed, my agitation is rising and I want things to stop and play according to my rules.

  

Breathe in.  Release.  Send love and light.  The shift was amazing and the antics of others became more entertaining than annoying.

The lessons are everywhere.  Are you seeing yours?

Bhakti Fest

 

 

As you receive this, I will be in our local high desert of Joshua Tree.  This is the 5th annual Bhakti Fest, a gathering of yogis and yoginis from far and wide, of different yogic styles and attitudes.  As a community, we gather  in the wilds of the natural desert  to chant, dance, practice yoga and listen to a variety of speakers with the common intention of a deeper connection.

  

At first, it seems as though you've stepped a couple of decades back in time...somewhere in the late 60's or early 70's.  Bell bottoms, tie-dye and flowing outfits reflect the nouveau yoga chic attempts to be grounded in our yoga practice.  And there is definitely a feeling of love.  Yes, that groovy word L.O.V.E. seems to grow wider and wider as the 4-day festival unfolds.

  

Where else can you spend a few days with like minds repeating mantra and moving to the rhythm of your own breath?  I have been to a number of these festivals and find it a unique way to feed my yearning yogic soul.  I drop into the center of my being more than I do in my day to day life.  I get joy simply seeing people let go of their inhibitions, moving in their own expressions and dropping the barriers of judgment.

  

All too soon it seems to be over and we return to our everyday lives, yet something on a deeper level has shifted.  I trust that over time it will leak out of me in a more positive way and in so doing, I hope it rubs off on others in the process.

  

Establishing a practice of devotion (the meaning of Bhakti) in our daily ritual is one way to stay connected to this deeper expression of who we are.  Meditation, singing traditional mantra or songs that inspire and reading texts or words of insight are all great tools for this inherent need to ask the question, "Why am I here?  What is my purpose?".   Each morning in my meditation practice I do these things.  Over the years, I have tried to create a pattern that helps me to remember the feelings I experience so fully at Bhakti Fest and when on retreat.

Maybe I'll see you there?  Come dive into the Bhav...your soul will thank you!