Hard Is Hard

 

Recently, I was in conversation with a friend who was telling me about making a big shift in their life and commenting on how hard it is to be moving and letting go of a familiar way of being. I simply replied, “well, hard is hard”. They heard these words and felt supported as I was acknowledging their challenges and holding the space for them to be present as they were dealing with the difficult reality of change.

Just this week, we have passed the one-year mark of the World Health Organization declaring the Covid-19 virus to be a pandemic. On so many levels, all of us have gotten to know hard in a new way. When I asked a class if this past year has been hard, 100% of them raised their hand. None of us have been through anything like the past 12 months…our lives and businesses not only disrupted but for many people lost forever. We’ve had to learn how to be with a formidable force over which we had very little control. The act of living from a more day-to-day perspective has been unfamiliar to many and anything that is unfamiliar and new can prove to be challenging whether it’s a pandemic or a move to another state.

Tying into this is something else I came across only a couple of months ago-toxic positivity. When I first heard that phrase, my ears perked up as part of me thought how can positivity be toxic - isn’t that where we’re encouraged to place our focus for fear of manifesting undesirable thoughts? An intriguing podcast by Brené Brown on Spotify called Dare to Lead (click here to listen), Brown interviews the author of Emotional Agility, Dr. Susan David. Dr. David describes toxic positivity as:

“Toxic positivity is forced, false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface, but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they’re really saying is, My comfort is more important than your reality.”

It’s a lack of acknowledgment and facing difficult emotions, a way of bypassing the tough stuff to make others and ourselves feel better. Brown and Dr. David go through an example of this in action with Brown writing down the emotions she’d been recently experiencing. They included overwhelm, anger, and fear. Dr. David then said that a typical next step would be the suggestion to turn the paper over and on the other side, write all that you are grateful for. And this was the bypass. Her research on developing our ability to emotionally adapt and thrive shows that when we confront difficult emotions we actually build resilience. We become less emotionally rigid and grow in our emotional agility.

Given the past 12 months, honoring and noticing the tough emotions has been a way for us to cope with what feels like a restricted life. Instead of sugar-coating things, facing them is a healthier choice. It’s as though the recognition of the messy and muddy brings it out of the shadows and allows for them to be present. When we can see what challenges us we can work with it rather than taking a detour around it.

Over many years of working 1-1 with people, I have had countless comments from people, especially women, who say they have so much to be grateful for – a nice house, marriage, family, career, financial security, good health, etc., and they simply can’t understand why they’re unhappy, lack inspiration, or have feelings of depression. They feel as though they have no right to complain or to feel bad. Instead of facing it head-on, they hold the hard emotions off to the side rather than dealing with them.

One thing our yoga/meditation practice teaches us is to become radically present and notice all that is happening. Instead of wishing things to be different from what they are (I wish the pandemic would just go away) and creating more suffering for ourselves (it’s not going away), we learn to become more observant and mindful. This includes feeling all that arises, noticing the good, bad, and ugly moments, sitting with them, knowing they aren’t permanent states, and practice being in a place of equanimity as we ride the waves. As Thich Nhat Hanh famously said, “No mud, no lotus”.

When we acknowledge that hard is hard, it permits us to feel the fullness of all of our emotions, not just the ones that we think are desirable. So the next time you’re feeling that internal tug of difficulty, bring it to the surface and say this feels hard and acknowledge that’s exactly what it is…hard is hard. Do the work and your ability to navigate through difficulty will expand.