Mudita

I don’t know if grief ever truly ends. I’m in the mourning phase of grief with the recent death of my Mother. It’s been a month since she passed and I find myself getting through the days, doing my work, staying with my personal practice of yoga, going to the farmer’s market, and wearing my mask. You know…the usual stuff that doesn’t stop because someone has died. And my process has been to be unapologetic with how I’m feeling and to simply allow the process to be what it is. And although I wouldn’t describe this phase as containing obvious joy, I have found moments of looking for it, largely outside of myself. What’s within me is a bit gloomy, not what you would describe as a fountain of joy bubbling over.
In repeating this intention, I remember what I want for myself, which is a deep contentment and sense of joy, and it’s the same thing that I wish for others. When I practice loving-kindness, compassion, and sympathetic joy I am able to experience equanimity in my life. This means that I get better practiced at simply being with what is, whatever that may be in my life…grief, joy, gratitude. I get to take action and set the path for my own evolution.

I hadn’t really recognized that I was looking for joy until I saw a post by someone I know in the yoga world displaying what they’ve been secretly working on for several months which is a stunning and peaceful new space. When I saw the images, my first reaction was “how cool and exciting!” Honestly, this reaction surprised me as the more un-evolved version of me may have had a tinge of jealousy with the thinking of how did they make this happen? Why do these opportunities seem to find a way to them instead of me? But it didn’t happen that way. I felt the excitement of their new adventure and wished them luck and prosperity.

In this experience, I realized that I was searching for good things that were happening. And although I’ve had a harder time finding them within myself, I could see them in somebody else. Joy is joy whether it’s ours or someone else’s. And this is what is referred to a Mudita, or joy. More precisely, it’s vicarious or sympathetic joy, the kind that is easily witnessed by a proud parent as they see their kid making good in the world. Parental pride is easy compared to finding joy for what may be perceived as a business competitor. When we see others, particularly those vying for a similar client base doing really well we may tend towards envy and jealousy rather than congratulatory slaps on the back. This tends to be a natural reaction and belief that joy is a limited commodity, so the more someone else has, the less there will be for us. It’s a sinking feeling to sense that we’re not going to get our share.

Mudita is part of the Brahma Viharas, described as sublime attitudes. Loving-kindness (metta), compassion (karuna), sympathetic joy (mudita) and equanimity (upekkha) comprise the four-faces of love or heart-practices from Buddhism. It is suggested that if we’re having difficulty finding vicarious joy for others, that practicing compassion for ourselves and others may open the pathway to discovering the abundance of joy existing everywhere and for all people.

Times are tough…pandemic, endless Zoom calls, grief, and economic uncertainty. It’s as though all of us could greatly benefit from switching our focus from those challenges toward finding what’s good in our lives.

Based on work by the Buddhist meditation teacher, Sharon Salzberg, I’ve been asking classes this week to reflect on appreciating what’s good in their life as well as asking if their accomplishments bring joy. Do they feel happiness with important people in their life as well as experiencing joy and satisfaction of loved ones, friends, and strangers? Sometimes we answer no to these questions which gives us grist for the mill…digging into why we may feel joy has limits.

A practice that supports us in re-directing ourselves towards joy is to repeat the following phrases, beginning with ourselves and moving outward towards others.

“May my happiness and good fortune not diminish. May it increase further and further.”

“May your happiness and good fortune not diminish. May they increase further and further.”

“May the happiness and good fortune of all beings everywhere not diminish. May they increase further and further.”